Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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