this beer tastes like vomit already
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
