she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
