he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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