I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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