The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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