That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
