never play flip cup with pint glasses
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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