I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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