as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
