i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
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And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
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You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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