She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
