how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
