I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Randomize
