You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
