She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
