I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
