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I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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