I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
