This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
