the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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