Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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