Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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