i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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