he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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