Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
