well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
not ubering you a puppy
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
