Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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