haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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