My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
