Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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