PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
