Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
