I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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