i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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