She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
