I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
