Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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