I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
And then my night got REAL pukey
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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