guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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