I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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