Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize