and you said cock pushups were impossible
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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