First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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