how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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