Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you will always have a special place in my vag
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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