I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
