Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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