About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
My cat gives me a boner
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Randomize
