my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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