Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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