Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
