i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Randomize
