Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I checked into jail on foursquare
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
