Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
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