I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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