Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
