Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Randomize
