My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
