so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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