I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
