return my video game
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
