I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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