Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
