I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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