some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
